There it is again, that incessant nagging voice in my mind. It’s more than just a voice though, it’s that constant feeling of ‘no matter what I do for my kids, all they remember of me is that I am always angry’ when I know that I’m not always angry because I keep count.
I’m hyper aware of not being angry ‘all the time’.
In fact, I try so hard not to be constantly angry but I feel that’s all I’ll be remembered for and that devastates me.
When I do lose my cool, is it that explosive that it erases all memory of any fun, happy times? I really hope not.
When I am angry, I make sure to own up to my mistakes, apologise and talk about why I’m feeling the way I do. I do this in the hopes of teaching my kids that it’s okay to show our emotions and how to manage them.
But I feel like I can’t make mistakes as a mother. Like I need to be happy and cheerful all the time. I need to play this role and maintain my composure no matter what happens.
I think this because of my internal expectations and external expectations. I am sometimes fearful of judgment, fearful of criticism, fearful of screwing up my children.
Motherhood is so complicated nowadays with so many things to think about like screen time, social media, childhood development, nutrition, health, emotional wellbeing, going back to work, childcare costs, lack of support/village, making the right school lunches, are they making the right friends at school and so much more.
The mental load is enormous and sometimes we buckle under the pressure.
I am not always going to be cheerful and smiley. I am not always going to be energetic and fun. And you know what, that is perfectly okay. I will always love my children. I will always be there for them. I will always be their perfectly imperfect mum.